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10 diets that almost sound like they’re real

Text by

Deborah Smith

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It’s pretty easy to create a new diet trend. Especially when the ones that already have their countless believers can often seem so bizarre. Like the diet that has you eating nothing but fat and protein for weeks, or the one that has you flushing (more like detonating!) your system with a litre of salt water every morning. And let's not forget the regime that promotes living on sunlight and air alone. Each to their own though. And so, from the creative minds at I LOVE YOU: 10 diets that almost sound like they’re real.

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01 The Colour Blocking Diet

It might sound like a runway trend from seasons gone by, but this is one for the lovers of minimalism. Our parents may well have told us to eat as many different colours as possible, but scientists’ research points to dietary success in another direction. The Colour Blocking Diet is based on a simple formula: make every plate a single colour and every meal a different hue. Breakfast could be bananas with corn and egg yolk; rare steak with cherries would make a mean dinner. The different acids to be found within our food correlate to the natural colours, and when consumed together, best stimulate the fat burning process.

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02 The Blinding-by-Blending Diet

Our hectic lifestyles mean that more often than not we end up truly devouring our food. Big mistake. The result is that your body invests more energy in the decomposition of your meal than in the burning of fat. With this one, the clue really is in the name: everything you eat needs to be blended into liquid form, so as to make it it easier to digest and thus allow your body to concentrate on the filtration of pollutants. Blind your metabolism and sip your salad through a straw, slurp pizza soup, and follow it up with a tiramusmoothie.

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03 The Hurry Up Diet

Although it has long been advised to eat slowly and savour every bite, new discoveries suggest that hurrying up a little might not be such a bad thing after all. Eating your meal within two minutes immediately accelerates metabolism and eliminates fatigue, keeping you tip-top – mentally and physically. By gobbling up meals at high speeds, you’ve also made time for other things. Like paying bills, an extra long phone call to your mum or cleaning out the cat's litter tray. 


04 The Midnight Diet

As the clock strikes midnight, you body is somewhere in between today and tomorrow. It calls on its various organs to sort through the nutrition ingested throughout the previous day, while resting in an almost nirvanic state. This purely physical sense of contentment means any new food will actually go unnoticed. Cue the midnight burger trend.


05. The Underground Diet

To anybody who has low-key been chewing on garlic all this time: you can breath a sigh of relief – there is a much easier way to get rid of your inner (and outer) demons. It is based on the belief that only foods grown under the ground are truly healthy. Carrots, potatoes, even asparagus and truffles all connect you to the environment in a way that eliminates toxins and demons from the body, keeping your body beautifully balanced.


06. The Canning diet

There's no need to abstain from the whole range of yummy fruits and vegetables just because of the changing seasons. By canning your favourite pieces, you can easily enjoy them during the chilling winter weather as well. Super advantageous is that the nutrients can't escape at all – a promise to stay in shape 365 days a year. Even more advantageous: there's no obligation to leave the house than, say, once a month. Hashtag hygge!

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07 The Freezing Diet

It might sound like a contradiction, but it has been proven by American physicists that freezing burns fat cells. It doesn‘t matter if one consumes slightly frozen food or if you are physically cold yourself – your core body temperature has to be reduced to a maximum of 25°C/78°F – as long you’re freezing during the food intake, fat will. be. burned. Just be careful not to drop your food while your teeth are chattering. Nobody wants wastage.


08 The 501g Diet

This diet is based on the rule that the food consumed must not be more or less than exactly 501 grams. When consuming more than this amount your meal is automatically transported to fat cells because your body believes that rough “fasting” times lie ahead. Consuming less puts your body into a state of starvation. Depending on how much you want to lose or gain, the weight can be proportionally varied after consulting a Grams Diet specialist.


09 The Hold-Your-Breath Diet

While breathing irregularly during your meals, it might be that your body cannot absorb all the nourishment it craves. Therefore specialists advise to hold your breath when swallowing so that, at that second, the body focuses only on the intake of food. Don’t forget to take breaths in between bites!


10. The Linguistic Diet 

Ludwig Wittgenstein once said, “The limits of my language are the limits of my world.” This diet proscribes eating in alphabetic oder. Apple, Banana, Cheese, Doughnut... you get the picture. It’s the perfect travel diet too – ordering from a foreign-language menu has never been easier. Advanced method: once you’ve made it through the alphabet 10 times, you’re ready for the next step, which is to recreate classical prose with your food. Wordsworth, Shakespeare, and Marlowe will take on new and delicious meanings.

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Photos: ADRIAN CRISPIN

Fashion: ANN-KATHRIN OBERMEYER

Hair: Kazuko Kitaoka @ Sybille Kleber

Make-up: Michelle Rainer for Ellis Faas Cosmetics

Model: Jordyn Grae @ Marilyn Agency Paris

Fashion Assistant: Charlötte Cargnello

Special thanks to the BdL